Saturday, October 22, 2011

when you least expect it...

My last entry went against all that I set out on this blog to do, which was to take things that were negative and turn them into positives through writing, because no matter how bad things are or at least how bad they seem it is important to remember that it is not the end of the world.  I didn't want to be one of those people that are always so focused on the things that are not going right that I have a hard time focusing on the good things that have happened or that are going to happen.  I have since regained my positive attitude and although things haven't changed at work, I have regained control of myself.  I mean no job is every going to be perfect, and I know that, and although my current job even further from perfect...doesn't mean I have to wallow in the imperfections.  Rather I have found, yet again a new sense of motivation.  Let me introduce you to the world of the Future Soldier Classes!  That's right, my new founded motivation began with a decision to attempt to attend one of these classes.  When I joined I found out that these classes would be held at the Recruiting Station every Thursday from 330-500.  This was not realistic for me because I work from 8-5.  After writing the last entry I knew I had to do something drastic, I began hitting the gym solo for a few days, it seemed to take some of the edge off, but also made me rethink the FTS Classes.  I decided to ask a co-worker to switch shifts with me this past Thursday.  She did so without question, allowing me to see what the deal was with these FTS classes.  I arrived at the recruiting station early, (as I always do)  It turned out that I was the only woman in the group, but yet a sense of strength and pleasure at the prospect of being the only female was surprising to me.  We began with some drill and ceremony lessons and practice outside, then came in to watch and discuss a PowerPoint presentation on Equal Opportunity within the Army.  I left feeling rejuvenated and  empowered.  I found it to be hard to keep motivated knowing I had such a long time until my ship date, but these classes make me feel part of something now while I wait, plus I get the opportunity to sit with other people who are going through what I am going through.  Doug has been an amazing support system, but he has been in the Army for a long time, and the time prior to his ship date was not nearly as far away as mine is.  I was told during my time at the FTS Class that next Thursday they would be working with us (they being the recruiters) on PT (physical training) And then on Nov. 5th there is a future soldier training event...I would have the opportunity to meet other Future Soldiers from around the state.  I have found that my joy and drive has given me the ability to think more clearly, be more organized, and stay focused on the tasks that lay ahead for any given day.  Things have a way of getting out of control.  And things have a way of taking on a life of its own, often leaving us behind.  It's easy to get overwhelmed and depressed which makes us lazy.  The trick is to realize when this is happening, and take a step back, figure out what the problem is and overcome it, before it takes control of you, because once it has control of you, it forces you into a rut that is almost impossible to get out of without some event that wakes you up.  
Just living is not must have sunshine, freedom, and a little flower.

Sunday, October 16, 2011

A mind on overdrive!

Time seems to be moving very slowly which is adding to the anticipation for basic training, but also is adding to the stress of dealing with my current 8-5 job as a pre-kindergarten teacher at Primrose.  I was never meant to be an early childhood teacher I was trained as an elementary school teacher, however due to the economy I didn't get into the school system and resulted as a teacher at Primrose.  The children are young and require a lot of structure.  Over the last 3 years  I have decided that this is not the job for me.  I don't have the patience or interest such as it is to continue the path of teaching.  In the past I had a feeling of success and accomplishment not only for myself but for my students as well.  Recently however, I noticed that I have been having less changes and more frustrations.  This year there is a lack of support not only from my classroom parents, but my administration.  They seem hooked up on the wrong issues.  For example, telling children its time to wake up instead of rubbing their backs and calling them darling...(just so you are aware...I am a trained educator, I don't do the "darling" thing.  however, this wake up method seems more important to my administration than classroom structure or lesson planning.  Now this makes my job hard to handle...I begin stressed out and can't seem to stay motivated throughout the day.  These feelings although getting worse over time, have been there for a while now, and in the past my classroom parents and the students helped to keep me motivated, but I knew that I was not meant to be doing the teaching thing.  I began a search through different things that I have always wanted to do.  That led to a look at my true self and what I really wanted out of life.  Teaching began as a rewarding career, but it has since been losing its appeal, I looked at all my options and have had countless conversations with my husband and other members of my family.  These conversations have led me to the US Army.  The training that the Army can provide, can open doors to new fields that are of great interest to me.  With being stressed at work and the new changes and anxiety that await me, are causing highs and lows that I have a hard time dealing with.  I try to stay focused, but it is very hard to understand and verbalize the way I feel so that others can understand where I am coming from.  Right now I am stuck between a rock and a hardplace.  I want to start a new career, a new chapter in my life, but I am having a hard time surviving until then.  Must remember...All you need is sunshine, freedom, and a little flower :/

Saturday, October 8, 2011

Making Plans!

If there is nothing else that I am good at, I am a wonderful planner.  I love to plan, and when I am done planning, I plan some more.  All my planning results in the ability to really think things through.  Sometimes I get the feeling, that when I make certain decisions, people don't believe that they are mine and that I may not have thought them through enough.  Umm...I am not what you would call a spontaneous person.  It is hard for me to say hey lets just go...fill in the blank.  I am the one who needs to wake up knowing that we are doing something so that I may plan accordingly.  I have been this way as long as I could remember.  I appreciate well thought out plans, I do not procrastinate in making my plans into actions.  So why would anyone question my thought process or decisions that have been made?  Regardless, the decision to join the Army was long thought process, at minimum 10 years.  Although I tried other career paths, it has always been something I want to do.  I know it will be hard, and like many other things in this world, I know there will be parts that I don't like, as well as parts that I love.  As an Army wife, I know that it is not all glory and glamour like a movie, I know the reality of the day in and day out of the least on the spousal end.  One thing that the Army can give me, other than a steady paycheck, student loan payoff, medical/dental benefits, and a retirement plan, is the ability to stand on my own.  I have lived a life where in order to make a decision I needed to know what others thought was the best choice for me.  The Army will force me to distance myself from the family that I love and whose support I crave daily, for a period of time, allowing me the realization that perhaps I am capable of standing on my own two feet.  First my relationship with my parents and grandparents, which has since expanded to the relation with my husband and even our 2 dogs!  My husband and I have been together for 5 years and married for the last 3.  In that time we have never and I do mean never went one day without talking, and that includes his deployment to Iraq!  I am definitely attached to technology from the phone to the computer to the TV.  I am hoping that this time away will help to restore my individuality and help me achieve the confidence in my own self.  No one can teach confidence, however, by getting through tasks and learning new skills and making choices independently can help refocus one's mind into again seeing levels of confidence that have over the years diminished with my own self image.  I have dreamed of the day where I could be among those in uniform, proudly serving our country.  I have started a military journal which I take with me everywhere and that I hope to continue when I am away.  I think that when all is said and done and this process is just a distant memory it will be fun to look back at how I felt and more importantly how I have changed.

Just living is not enough, one must have sunshine, freedom, and a little flower!